When I find I can no longer sleep some early mornings at 3 or 4 and there are no good reruns on TV, I often come out to the computer. I sit in the dark except for the brightness of the screen. I check my email and my blog. Some times I play my mindless games. It is during those times that thoughts come unbidden into my consciousness. There is no filter. Both the good and the bad in my life float by the movie screen in my brain. Occasionally I think thoughts like, “That would make a good topic to blog” or “Why did that event happen that way?” or “Was there really a reason for that to happen?”
I was sitting here when I remembered a dream that has been recurring periodically over the past forty years. It pertains to a young man who I knew in between my fiance and my ex in my dating time span. He pretty much rocked my world. I was very smitten. We’re talking head over heels.
The encounter was brief. I had one last encounter with him after several months, it could have been a year, that I don’t remember. Out of the blue, he called and I invited him to visit at my apartment. We spent the evening talking together and then he left.
I never heard from him again. I was dating other guys and I guess I kind of forgot about him. After the dream last week I decided to google him out of curiosity to see what I could find. I had already known that he had risen to a level of prominence in the legal community in our home town. When I went home to visit, it was not hard to hear news about him from another friend. I often fantasized about sitting in the back of the room and watching him work when I visited home, but I never had the nerve. What if he didn’t recognize me? or What if he did? What would I say?
I recently heard that he is retiring soon. In my google search I found an email address on his high school alumni site. On a whim I wrote a very casual note congratulating him on all his accomplishments. I said the area was lucky to have had his service for so many years. I mentioned still remembering the parties and some of the people I had met there from our college days (to just kind of jolt his memory since I didn’t think he would even remember my name.)
I decided not to include anything too specific. I pressed the send button, wondering what he would think when he read it. Would he respond? Would he even remember? There was a twinge of conscience when I wondered if I should have sent it. Who might he have to explain such a note to in the event it went to his home?
Later that afternoon I received a postal delivery failure notice in my inbox. I didn’t have to worry about what would happen. The note was returned. The email address was no longer valid.
Of course I do not have the courage or any reason to call him and my next trip home will be after he retires. The chances of ever meeting him again socially are somewhere between 0 and none. But that’s ok. When we meet in my dreams I am still thin and young and quick to fall in love. I am vulnerable and open to the possibilities of love and life. And hope. I am full of hope for my future. The short time he was in my life, I sensed he was someone really special and would go far. I did not honestly feel I had the makings of the type of mate he would need in his climb.
Maybe it is better that way. He doesn’t enter my dreams very often, but when he does, it takes several days for him to leave again. But he eventually does leave, just like he did the last time I actually saw him. I bid him a fond fare thee well and God speed in this last stage of his life. Now if he’d just leave my dreams alone. Some people you just never forget. He is one. Namaste. Attic Annie