Yesterday I started with relating what has brought me to this point in my relationship life, still unaware of the rules of the game of love. I am not much of a game player. Perhaps it was because my circumstances as a child left me with many hours of alone time throughout grade school and high school. Maybe it’s because of my intense introversion. On the Myer-Briggs Personality Scale which I’ve taken once along with two different free internet versions, I have scored respectively 98%, 99%, and 100% introverted. Perhaps that is the “spark” that is missing from my love life.
A “girl” friend I continue to talk with a couple times a year asked me several years ago if a mutual friend Jack had ever invited me to a club dance. I told her no. She said he really liked me but had told her, “She is the easiest person to get to know and the hardest person to get close to that he had ever met.” No, he never did ask me.
After my south Texas five year but only eight day affair I talked about yesterday, I swore off ever trying to find another love. The serial romances I had had before my marriage and the two after my divorce were enough to make me cry “Uncle”! I gave up.
Last July while I was volunteering at a local outdoor concert, I happened to see a man using his video cam and recording the meeting of the volunteers. I walked over to him and started a conversation. He was friendly and was easy to talk to. When I told him I was a retired teacher who taught elementary English, he started to talk about how much he enjoyed blogging.
The story may have ended there. It took me a while to think about blogging myself. When I finally decided I wanted to know more about it, it took me a little while to find his blog site. I sent him an email telling him I’d like to know more. I had no idea how to even begin setting up a blog. We emailed a few times and he volunteered to come to my home to help me set up.
He was a perfect gentleman. I didn’t expect that he wouldn’t be. He came over and I fed him a supper of pizza for his troubles. We emailed a few more times when I had questions and talked a couple of times on the phone. In one of those conversations I brought up the fact that I had been a massage therapist. I can’t remember why. His interest was immediately aroused. He asked if I were still in practice, and if so, how much I charged. I told him that since I had let my registration elapse, I only work on friends and that I bartered. We talked a little more and agreed he take me to a Cats (local minor league baseball team) game if I would give him a massage. Then he started hinting around and asked me what kind of “extras” I would be doing during the massage. It was soon obvious to what he was referring. I assured him he would have his briefs on and would be completely covered because I was a professional registered therapist. He continued with the conversation in the same vein and so I ended it.
A few weeks later he called again and said he noticed I still didn’t know how to link sites. He had continued to follow my blog. I thought maybe he knew where I stood on the “extras” massage issue, but this guy was relentless. This time he didn’t mention a massage. He just wanted “serviced” to put it politely with my talented hands in exchange for his computer tutoring.
I had told him that I was not interested. I told him again. He told me he didn’t feel any “sparks” with me and he was not particularly attracted to me yet he continued to press the servicing. It was OK with me that he wasn’t attracted because, although he was a gentleman the first time he helped me, I wasn’t particularly attracted to him either.
I told him that if I were to date again, I wanted to meet someone who had the patience to go slow. I wanted to build a bond with him before we both mutually decided, if we wished, to become intimate. He replied, “I can’t wait that long,” He decided that I was saying he should provide all the transportation and take me around (implied “date”) until I decided, if I ever did, that I was ready for more. Needless to say, he didn’t come to my home a second time, although not before he told me he had met a woman and there were “serious sparks” between the two of them. I wished him well but hopefully ended that relationship.
I continued to read his blog and about a week later he blogged he had had fantastic sex the night before. I was so thankful I was not the one. Of course he found a picture of a lacivious blond posed in a crotch shot to accompany that blog.
From time to time I still monitored his web site. Later on he bemoaned the fact he couldn’t get or keep a girlfriend. Well, DUH! I thought. Some guys never learn.
E Harmony had a three month special in November. I had been on there one other time without success but I thought what the heck and joined one more time. My first date turned out to be the exact opposite of me in my opinions. That relationship ended with lunch. The second man turned out to be another nice guy and a perfect gentleman. We spent five dates together over six weeks. We had a lot in common. We both enjoyed each other’s company. And then he disappeared. I talked about this in Empty Valentine’s Day.
Since he had said he was not a game player, I emailed him after waiting a month and reminded him that quitting and disappearing without even a good bye was very much a part of playing a game. He then admitted there were no “sparks”. I knew that. I didn’t feel sparks either, but I was glad. Every boy and young man I knew before and including my husband started out a relationship with me with “sparks”. I didn’t find “nice guys” appealing. Several of the dates with the young men turned into conflagrations quickly and then died out leaving cold ashes.
With this relationship I was hoping that the warmth would turn into sparks in time. It is said that the brain is the biggest sex organ around. Although he didn’t totally appeal to me, each time I saw him he appeared slightly more attractive. I was beginning to think I had met the guy I had told July blogger I wanted to find. We were working on developing a friendship first. But….”no sparks” reared it’s ugly head again.
My question is this, is it possible to grow a friendship first and let the sparks develop gradually, like they did with my south Texas friend? Steve Harvey and Dave Chapell have both said, “Don’t give it away too early. Respect yourself.” That advice started to sink in. How does one find “The Book of Love” or “Rules to Have a Long lasting Relationship“? Is it possible to ever learn to do it right? How do those who have been faithfully married thirty or more years do it? What are the rules? If it is true that attraction boils down to the ratio of waist to hips (see link above), I have been doomed forever. In my entire life I have inhabited a body like a tree. At times I’ve been somewhat a willow. Other times, I’m more like an oak. Regardless of heavy or thin, I’m still without curves. At my age should I just hang it up?
H E L P ! Advice requested. Namsate. Attic Annie