OK. I’m not going to be very original today. I received this from a friend who still, in spite of many physical problems, has her sense of humor and loves to send out email like this to her friends. I’ve seen most of these before in one form or another, but I feel a need to laugh. These made me laugh. Just the thought of some of the nuns my friends used to tell me about is a cause for laughter itself.
Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU’LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE . NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6.. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THETEN COMMANDMENTS
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR.. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION..
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST.. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
If I could give any beginning teacher some advice, it would be to maintain a journal of all the funny, original answers the children give on their tests and in the classroom. You know the ones. The ones like those above which make a teacher laugh. I didn’t do it. I had my fair share of funny answers, but in the interest of getting the grading task done, I ignored the gems in my hands. I was in a classroom situation for thirty years and didn’t keep track of the priceless moments. It’s the things the kids say when they catch a teacher off-guard that are the gist of memories of a career.
I can remember a few things that happened in those thirty years but really only a very few. I can remember laughing and “losing it” but I think I tried too hard to always “be professional” to enjoy the moment. My teachers always took things in the classroom very seriously. None of them ever cracked a smile at any times. Those were the women who, unfortunately, were my role models. We NEVER said anything in their presence that would be in any way considered humorous. Yes, my advice would be “keep a journal….faithfully”. Children have been different from us for many, many years.
I remember the faces of the students who would make me laugh but I can’t remember what I would laugh about. Their words are long gone. That’s really sad. It’s those moments that make teaching worthwhile. It’s those times that go beyond “teaching to the test” that has so ominously invaded our classrooms that gives teaching a human perspective once again.
I suppose if I really sat down and thought, I would be able to conjure up more memories but at this instant all is a blur. I do remember one incident. When I taught fifth grade, I developed a speech unit. Those were in the days when I was working with gifted kids and free to teach whatever I wanted to. The administration was happy when test results came out and our kids blew the tops off the scores so, as long as the parents didn’t complain, we were free to do whatever we wished with them.
I had one child, Glen, who was one of the most reserved children in class. He was very polite and very quiet. In order for the children to develop a sense of verbally portraying various emotions, I had them sit in a circle and read the telephone book. The idea wasn’t original. I now can’t think of the entertainer who did that as part of his act, but it intrigued me that so many emotions could be portrayed in that simple act.
We went around the circle with each child trying and we finally reached Glen. The pain I felt for him was almost physical. I never thought he would even attempt it. I was so totally wrong. He stood up and soon had us in stitches with his various interpretations of emotions. He even had a mastery of hand gestures I had encouraged to give his performance some life. We ranged from almost crying to laughing hysterically within a very few moments. It was clear that underneath that reserve, Glen was a true actor. That part of his talent never ever had emerged in the classroom before. It was obviously not what he said that I remembered but how he said it. He was priceless that day.
If teachers could relax enough to enjoy their children and the gifts they bring for opportunities for true humanity, I truly believe that classrooms could get around to changing the world, one funny appreciated comment as a time.
My cousin sent the following story in time for today’s blog. I think you’ll enjoy. Of course, you just KNOW that there was some “concerned” mother who went right up to the school when junior went home talking about what he learned in class that day.
The ‘Middle Wife’ by a 2nd grade Teacher.
I have been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they are welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother and I am going to tell you about his birthday.’
‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’
She is standing there with her hands on the pillow and I am trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.The kids are watching her in amazement…
‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she does not have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push,push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe. They started counting but never even got past ten then all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.’
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I am sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it is show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy.
Namaste. Attic Annie