What I think about when my brain won’t move


OK. It’s official, but I hope temporary. My brain is completely constipated. It has been blocked up several days, but today nothing is forming that I can push out to form even the slightest resemblance to an idea.

I didn’t rise until 8 o’clock when Ri-Leigh insisted that I get out of bed. I was not in bed until after midnight last night and awoke several times so I was luxuriating in the fact that I could stay right where I was. Sometimes my bed can feel so soft and toasty. Other times it just feels hard and cold in spite of how many covers I may drape over me.  Today it was really cozy. Other than take out the garbage I had nothing pressing to do.

As on countless days when I have difficulty forming an idea, I sat down to play Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. It’s the mindlessness of that game that helps me think.  I lost track of time and I finally noticed that 1 1/2 hours had passed. During that time I thought of many different things that I often think about, but nothing I really wanted to write about.

My relationship with my sister came to mind. We have not had the best of sisterships in our lifetime. In fact when I came home from last seeing her, I decided that I would divorce her. I had given up trying to “fix” anything and was tired of her attitude towards me.

I could really vent today about all the things I have stored in my brain and the files I opened, but it would prove of no benefit. I think my thinking about her began when I watched a PBS show on Elvis this weekend. In my memory I can only think of two times in my childhood that we ever went to the movies, and it was never with just the two of us. I was always the “tag along”. She was six years ahead of me in school. We never had anything in common. Anyway, one of those movies was “Love Me Tender” when I was ten. It was Thanksgiving Day and “the cousins” wanted to see the movie. Somehow I talked my way into going with them. Whether all the cousins went that day or not, I can’t remember at all.

It was really exciting because I didn’t get to go to the movies that often. The village where I grew up didn’t have a theater. The nearest theater was about eight miles away, I think. Maybe it was further. Anyway, there was no one around to take me. I think I remember going a few more times with another cousin, but I can’t really remember what we saw or for sure who was with us.

Anyway, as far as my sister is concerned, she has never been informed of this blog. I don’t think I ever wanted her to know in case I really wanted to get into some of the tough issues we have been through. But it really would not serve any purpose. I have come to peace with her knowing that in this life time things will never ever really change. We are siblings but judging  all the “It’s Sister Day” messages I get from friends in e-mail, our sibling hood missed the boat when it came to sisterhood.

I’ve never really been in her league. We are about as opposite as we can be, and it took all these years to realize how OK I am on my own to accept that she can keep her own league and I’ll keep mine. That was kind of a liberating day when I came to that conclusion.

Another thought passed through ( a little bubble of air) only God knows why. I guess in thinking about my sister, I remembered a dress she had left at home while she was in college. It was homecoming time my freshman year, and I borrowed the dress. I think she deliberately didn’t take it with her to college. Anyway, I wanted to be a little bit more dressed so I wore it. We did not have the same shape but it did fit, even if it was tight. I was out at the game and had to go into the building. The air was cold, and triggered the heavy breathy breathing that usually preceded an asthma attack. When I entered the building there was a sophomore guy alone in the hallway who I recognized. I swear the only thing I said to him was, “Hi Don.”

I passed him by and went into the restroom. When I came out, I saw him with his girlfriend, Donna. I kid you not. Those were their real names. I heard him say, “There she is.” Donna approached me and was really angry. She lit into me. Needless to say, I was stunned. Both of them were wearing black leather jackets, something we really didn’t see too much of at school. I really felt intimidated. Evidently, (hormonal) Don had thought I was really coming on to him with my breathy voice and tight dress. Donna was protecting her property. When she had finished warning me about staying away from her man, all I could say was, “I have asthma,” and I walked away.

It’s funny how memories pop out at the oddest of times and the associations we make from one to another. I was embarrassed that that dress was the only one I had access to that would be appropriate to wear (not too dressy but nice) l I was astounded that some guy actually thought I was coming on to him when all I was trying to do was breathe. It was the first time I ever remember to my knowledge that some guy actually thought I was sexy and some girl thought I was a threat. It was a unique feeling and a memory I never forgot.

I guess that’s all my mind can do for today. Hopefully, in the near future, it can return again to full power. Namaste. Attic Annie

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1 Comment

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One response to “What I think about when my brain won’t move

  1. “It’s funny how memories pop out at the oddest of times and the associations we make from one to another.”

    How true… I actually recalled a few of my childhood events and got lost….Eventually my manager doesn’t pay me for day-dreaming..so he smacked me hard just now bringing me back to life…. 🙂