Good morning!” I AM NOT WORTHY!” When I would hear other people, usually women, speak in such a manner in church referring to God’s love and acceptance of us, it would make my skin crawl and I never knew why. I often wanted to shout, “YES YOU ARE! YOU ARE WORTHY OF ANYTHING GOD HAS TO GIVE OR HAS GIVEN YOU. GET OVER IT!” I never could explain why I had such a visceral reaction to that phrase. Unless I’m really unaware of my self, which could be the case, I don’t act viscerally to very much at all. I tend to be stuck in the intellect.
Let me start off by saying I am NOT a Bible scholar. If I can’t google it, I usually don’t know it. I have found three examples of people saying they were unworthy: the Centurion who wished for Jesus to heal his servant, John the Baptist who felt he was not worthy to untie His sandal, and Jacob who asked for help with Esau. Jesus also says that (my interpretation) if you choose family over God,” you are not worthy of me”.
Perhaps it is just me, but it seems those who say they are not worthy, do so from a deeper sense of unworthiness of receiving in general.
I mentioned how I felt about such a comment in my philosophy class Wednesday night. The instructor said, “Perhaps you react that way because of something inside of yourself. Do you have feelings of unworthiness?” I felt my face start to color. The question brought on a visceral reaction.
ZAP! Epiphany! Light bulb over the head time!
I have until several years ago been under the influence of what I learned about me as a child and a wife…my family members reacted to me in a way that I interpreted as being unworthy of being helped, paid attention to, loved. I had just turned in a paper an hour earlier on the topic “What keeps me in bondage?” I discussed my learned helplessness. I have demonstrated all my life how unworthy I felt I was of the gifts people would give me, the help they would offer, or the compliments I would receive. I always felt if I left the room nobody would ever notice, or if they did, they would say, “Thank goodness.”
In spite of my reactions to other people, it never occurred to me to feel unworthy of God, although I was never much into praying anything other than “God is great, God is good…” and when I was really young, “Now I lay me down to sleep”. I don’t ever remember a time when anyone sat down with me and talked to me one to one about praying. I never got into the habit of praying about what I really want in my life. I’m learning to do that more. I’m beginning to believe, “Ask and you shall receive”. This class is teaching me how to make denials and affirmations to bring about changes in my life. I just have to remember to do it.
Up until a few years ago, I never really asked myself what I wanted. I seem to have always acted upon the supposition that I deserved whatever did or didn’t come my way. I could easily describe myself as an oarless boat on the drifting waves of the ocean of life. When one doesn’t exist, one doesn’t need much. I didn’t know that there just might be ways of bringing something into my life.
Someone else in class brought up the point that our societies tend to rear young girls in general with all the ideas that come with second class citizenship. Some sections of our culture stopped doing that several years ago, others still do. View this video on Thursday’s MSNBC Today to see a father in Peoria, AZ who wishes his daughter to follow his family values, however.World wide that philosophy is still rampant. We learned through osmosis that we were not worthy of being treated with equality, we were not as skilled as, we were not as smart as, we were not as entitled as….the list goes on. When some of us (my fellow sisters) demanded, we were usually greeted with, “Who does she think SHE is?” or “What a bitch!” It was a major put down for someone to be accused of doing something “like a girl” and we took it in. We believed it. We were not worthy.
There is a major paradigm shift going on in the United States and in many parts of the world. Women are beginning to believe in their worthiness. I think it started with a few in the 70s but it has increased with each decade. I was watching a TV preacher one day who was talking to a group of women inmates. He said, “You were created to be helpmates of man.” I bristled. I thought he was saying the only reason we were created was to be a help to our husbands second to him. Old news. Of course I do believe in wives helping husbands. I also believe in husbands helping wives. But then he continued. “You were created that way because men need help!” He added, “You are not the ones who need the help. They do! You’ve got your act together.” The audience cheered. WOW! I was hearing a preacher actually saying that? That sure put another slant on what I was hearing.
The second part of the assignment I handed in answered the question, ” Are you now able to claim your liberty?” I answered, “Yes, I am. Or at least I am beginning to be. ”
My life has not been an easy road to travel so far, but the more I learn of the travels of other spiritual beings on this planet, the more I feel how utterly blessed I have been in my life and it is time to express my thanks. It could have been ever so much worse. I had shelter, food, safety, an education. That in itself puts me pretty far up the list of blessed ones. By trying to stay more “in the NOW” and by not letting my past affect me nearly as much, I am learning to change into what I think is the better. I am feeling more worthy of whatever is in God’s infinite plans for me. As a child of God and His/Her heir, I AM worthy. I have placed my hand into God’s care and will joyfully receive all that is meant for me to receive. I pray that this message reaches those who once felt like I did. I hope you are able to grow like I feel I have grown.
It’s time for church. The weeks seem to be flying by since I started writing this blog. I seem to be saying that all the time. Namaste. Attic Annie