Good morning. How ya’ll doing? (I never did get used to saying that but this IS Texas and I HAVE been here 32 years.) I apologize for my crazy links. I don’t understand why they are not working. I’m still working on trying to solve it. Some times I get an Oops! Broken link did you mean….and other times it just won’t open for me at all. I’ll keep on working at it. My friend reported my links don’t open for her at all.
My sister called Saturday. I decided to answer the phone, something I did not do the last two times she called. Maybe some day I’ll blog about my relationship with her, maybe not. We talked about things in general, mostly her things. I did not tell her about trying to sell my house or my new passion, my blog. She just updated me on things of interest to her as she most often does and then I said good bye.
I told her I was not watching as much TV these days so I was unaware of the bad storms in central Illinois. I guess I kind of forgave her for her not calling to check on me when we have bad storms down here. It’s easy not to know what is going on in the world if one does not watch much TV. She keeps herself too busy to watch and I’m experimenting with cutting back on the amount of time I spend.
She mentioned someone had clued her in to the show Mad Men and she had begun watching it. At that point I got a familiar lump in the pit of my stomach. I tried watching a few episodes but I couldn’t take it. I do not enjoy watching TV shows or movies whose theme is adultery. There are so many these days. I also chose not to watch “Desparate Housewives”, “The Sopranos” or “Sex in the City” for the same reason.
I think I feel this way because of the trauma I felt when I realized my ex was not being faithful to me. I had clues throughout our marriage (actually before I married him) but I chose to close my eyes. It was as if it were written in the stars that we would marry. More about that later.
There was the time when we had only been married a few months. I had had bad allergy problems when I moved to Connecticut. One Friday night I was feeling good for a change. My nose had stopped running and I was breathing freely again. I was tired of being in the house so I decided to join him. I knew he would be at one of three bars in the New York town where he worked. I saw him standing there talking with two young girls. Unfortunately, he spotted me before I had a chance to assess the situation. The bar was crowded and I was too close before I knew it. I heard one girl ask, “What does your wife think of you being here?”
He looked up then just as I saw him and said very smoothly, “I don’t know, why don’t you ask her?” He acted pleasantly surprised that I had come to be with him. He was amiable and we sat at the bar for a couple of drinks. He convinced me to ride back home with him and we’d pick up my car the next day. When I got in his car he exploded and screamed at me never to track him down like that again. Of course he waited until the car was in motion so I couldn’t get out. His anger was almost out of control. I know I showed that I felt visibly threatened. I didn’t argue with him. We had been married all of about five months.
There was the time when he was supposed to come home for dinner when my neighbor happened to see him in a restaurant and he was not alone. There were the calls to his room late at night in the days before cell phones just because I missed him when he traveled but he was not there. There was his behavior with his new “secretary” that a client mentioned when he tried to start his own business.
There was the lipstick on his collar that when I asked him about it he said, “I guess I’d better start taking my shirts back to the laundry.” Near the end, there was the freshly showered and shaved husband wearing a new shirt and aftershave going out the door on a Sunday afternoon saying he had work to do at the office.
We married in the middle 70s when it was a growing practice for a couple to provide their own vows. He never agreed to “keep only unto each other” or to “plight his troth” , not that I really believe that would have made much difference.
Before we were married, because we lived three hours away from each other, I moved into his home for the summer. He brought home a copy of a book called Open Marriage which we read together. Some how I thought it was advocating his having female friends with a common interest such as going to ball games or fishing or some such thing I really might not be interested in. He didn’t seem to have very many interests at all other than drinking and working that I saw that he could share, but I was willing, after we married, if he didn’t want to go somewhere that I did and I had met a man with a similiar interest that he wouldn’t care if I was accompanied by that man, and vice versa. Talk about being naive.
I guess I either zoned out when we read the part about sexual relations or we didn’t read it at all, or I had my blinders on. I really didn’t click with the idea that he wanted me to agree with his having affairs. I guess I was open to us each having friends of the opposite sex. I had had friendships with a number of guys since high school that were all platonic so I didn’t see anything wrong with it. There would be no cause for jealousy on either of our parts.
While we were dating, my ex brought home Playboy and Penthouse magazines. I had no objection to them. I often read them myself during the week when he was gone. I had so little wordly knowledge of matters sexual between a man and a woman on a long term basis. I had no role models in my life. My aunts and uncles never showed any signs of affection with their mates or were even in the same room with them in my presence. I simply didn’t know what to expect.
The longer we were married, the more pornographic the material became. He was bringing home magazines that to me were quite beyond the level of decency, and I thought I was pretty open minded about such things. Thank goodness this was before chat rooms and porno sites were common. It was before computers. His attitude towards sex was getting out of control…not my control…just in general. I never tried to control him. I tried to steel myself for the day that he would find a younger woman who would swing from the chandeliers with him.
In the meantime, the sense of betrayal that I felt was becoming more than I could handle. The sense of abandonment I felt as a child with the death of my mother and later by my emotionally absent father was folding me in its grip once again. I had fear of my rage so I didn’t acknowledge it. I swallowed it. Each time I pushed it down, I gained another pound which began to slowly drive even more of a wedge between the two of us. I was only ten pounds over my ideal weight when he married me, but he told me while we were dating that my physical body was not that appealing to him. His previous marriage was to a woman not much over 5 ft. and very petite. I was neither. I was 5’7″ and looked thin when I wore a size 12. I didn’t catch that clue because he said he was very much attracted to me emotionally as someone completely compatible to him… his soul mate. I overlooked his comment on my physical body. He had never met a woman like me. I was pretty uninhibited and I guess he overlooked for a period of time the small spare tire and rounded tummy.
Goodness I’m getting wordy today. It’s time for my walk with my neighbor. I guess now that I’m on a roll, I will talk more about this topic tomorrow. Places to go and things to do today. Namaste. Attic Annie