Good morning! I actually slept until 7 today. Come on in. Care to share your feelings about trust?
I have heard that when there is severe childhood trauma, the emotional development of the child tends to remain stuck at that age. In other words, if this is true, somewhere deep inside of me, I’m still a three year old. I wish I knew where to find more information on this theory.
My mother died of cancer two months before my fourth birthday. Someone took pictures of me with three candles on my cake. Except for the party I had after third grade, that’s the only birthday cake I remember.
From that time on, I more or less reared myself. I had a father, aunt, and sister living in the same house. However, it was a house and never a home. We were all there physically. None of us were there emotionally. Even though the temperature was set at a reasonable degree, several friends told me when they were adults that mine was the coldest and emptiest house they ever visited, even in the middle of summer.
It is very difficult for a plant to thrive with limited sunlight. It is difficult for a child to grow with limited love, her sunlight. Yet, I did, but I never got past the point where I didn’t trust others implicitly…a very child-like trait.
Some how I survived in that situation until I graduated from college and the house was sold. However, this is where my confusion arises. You would think I would have trust issues with every one I meet. The opposite is true in most cases.
If I were to describe my reaction to trust, it would be a child-like assumption that all people are good. As a result, the world would probably categorize me as naive, gullible, and credulous. I believe that people are telling me the truth. I don’t seem to have a working lie detector. I trust and believe in people. These words can mean that I show a lack of experience. I have an “unaffected simplicty of nature or an absence of artificiality”. I am easily duped.
Time and again I am sold things that don’t stand up to the salespitch I was given. A car I bought as brand new in 1995 turned out to have flood damage. You should have heard the explanation of how debris and acorns got under the hood. Would you believe “squirrels nesting”? That was in the era before carfax.
More than once I have had repairs and remodeling done to my home by men who did half-a&* jobs. They promise to fix their mistakes and never darken my doors again. A “best” friend told my first fiance things that it might have taken years for me to divulge. My son’s friend borrowed money from me with the promise he would be back in two days to do some repair work I needed done. It was kind of a prepayment. Nada. No show. That doesn’t begin to address the men who have been in my life.
In spite of all this, I think I prefer to live this way. It must be horrible to have to live without trusting anybody. I picture myself as a puppy dog coming back time after time, wanting to be played with and petted. I picture those who live without trust as dogs who have been kicked and abused, too afraid to be hurt first to ever trust.
I guess what (who?) I trust most is God. I’ve been in many situations in my life that could have turned out for the worst. Yet, I am still here. Even in those darkest times in my life, I knew, without a doubt, that I was not alone. I’m in a very good place in my life right now. I am closer to God than I have ever been. If that is the result of being stuck with emotions of a child, then so be it.