Not that into you…required viewing

Hi there! It’s cool this morning. Let’s come down from the attic to the front porch. Care to talk about male-female relationships? It seems things are as crazy now as they ever have been.

I wish two current movies had been made when I had first started dating. Seeing them may have changed my life’s path forever and saved me many years of off and on anguish. Yes, I know they were produced for the 20+ set, but I think if a woman really pays attention, something can be learned from both of them regardless of her age, if not for this time, maybe the next life time.

A man I know recently had a conversation with a couple of young women. He asked them about dating bad boys. We started talking about the same topic. I told him that as a young woman I had dated several nice guys. The relationships did not really go too far. There was one big problem. They were NICE guys. They treated me with respect. They listened to me when we talked. They were interested in ME. I didn’t mention that I just didn’t feel a “spark” with them.

I had a lousy relationship with my father, but he was the only role model I knew. Because of that I sought out guys who more or less treated me the same way he did. I was entralled by bad boys. They didn’t break the law or anything, except maybe drunk driving, but they weren’t all that well behaved, especially towards me. Lousy self esteem made me vulnerable to playing right into their hands. 

This is where “He’s Just Not That Into You” comes in. The movie starts with a little boy pushing a little girl down and telling her she smells like dog poo! When she is crying and telling her mother, her mother smiles and tells the confused little girl what I heard little girls told countless times. Mommy says, “that little boy did those things because he likes you. He has a crush on you.” The narrator explains, “We are programmed to think if a guy is a total jerk, he likes you. The obvious truth is “He’s just not that into you.”

Two of the characters start talking about “no spark”. The man says, “guys invented the spark so they could not call, treat you kind of badly, keep you guessing and convince you that the anxiety and fear you feel naturally is the SPARK. ” Then he says, ” You feed off of it. It adds drama to your life. You love it. You love the drama. You THRIVE on the drama.” And there it was. He was talking about my entire dating history.

I mentioned my father. I remember very few converasations with him while I was growing up. We  just never talked. Not that I didn’t try. He was just too busy to listen. There was never a convenient time. It got to the place where I couldn’t talk to him at all about anything, unless it was to ask his permission to do something and he had the opportunity to talk me out of it.  He would come home at night and the famiy would sit down to supper. He would always listen to the 6 o’clock news. If I tried to talk he would shhhhh me. I learned not to bother him. As I grew into a teenager I became more and more frustrated. We talked even less than necessary. One night we had an argument. I said something sassy and for the first and only time he lost it and slapped me across my face. Lesson One: Men you love ignore you. Lesson Two: Men you love may hit you, but you still try to get close to them anyway.

In the movie all works out well for everybody. The couple who lived together for seven years got married once the man overcame his fear of commitment. The two that were just friends took it up a notch when someone told him he was in love. The woman whose husband cheated on her moved on with her life. All of them lived happily ever after.

I can’t say I’ve lived happily ever after since my divorce. My idea of living happily is having a trusted companion who will spend time with me, go places with me. Laugh with me. Care about me. Whether the relationship gets kicked up to sharing a bed is not the important issue. I do miss kissing and hugging, however, and would not object to occasional romps. Marriage for me is not in the picture. I think women are treated better when the relationship stays at the companion level. There is something about the wedding that allows some men to take off their masks and reveal their true ugly selves. I don’t wish to go through that ever again. I have a pretty healthy self esteem now. I’d rather not jeopardize that in my final days.

The next time I talked about movies, it will be “How to lose a guy in 10 days”…been there and done some of that too!


Filed under Casual conversation, dating, diary, family, friendship, general topics, humor, life, marriage, movies, musings, relationships, Uncategorized

4 responses to “Not that into you…required viewing

  1. lewp

    “Marriage for me is not in the picture. I think women are treated better when the relationship stays at the companion level. There is something about the wedding that allows some men to take off their masks and reveal their true ugly selves.”

    I think some women have warts as well Annie.
    I agree, at my stage of life, marriage is the last thing I need.

    I don’t think I make a good relationship person. I am not knocking me, I just seem to feel too confined…and that makes a nice guy become bad : )

    I like friendships. It used to be that a person had to be married to be passionate with a person. That’s certainly not the case any longer.
    Friendships work for me.

    • atticannie

      Women certainly DO have warts…and bunions…and age spots. I totally agree. I’ve seen some women treat their husbands, boy friends, lovers, significant others, etc. like dirt. Men are physically and emotionally abused as well. I did not mean to imply that women are perfect. I know better. I’m just writing from a female point of view…it’s easier for me that way. I’ve never been a guy. Flower Drum Song has a song called “I enjoy being a girl”. To a certain extent that’s me. As long as I am a girl I have to write like a girl….I think.

  2. I’ve never been able to figure that whole “spark” thing out either

    • atticannie

      Hi Davis, welcome to my front porch! I’ve had several pass by but few talked. I appreciate your comment. I have several friends from high school who still have loving relationships after having been married 3o+ years. All of them were friends before they kicked it up a notch. The sparks were not immediately flaming bonfires. I believe the sparks are for purely biological reproductive reasons. They flame, they mate, they separate. Something like lightning bugs! Drop in more often.